As I sat down yesterday to write to friends about my upcoming trip to Cambodia I realized how much has happened in the past 4 years to bring me to this point. Unfortunately it is not something that anyone outside me really knows. Plenty of people know bits & pieces of different stories but there is definitely a bigger story that has been going on behind the scenes.
The title of this blog is from the story of Esther. In early 2010 I was fortunate to get involved in a women's group and go through the Beth Moore Esther series. (I HIGHLY recommend it!) One of the things that really stuck out to me over the course of it all were in these verses:
Esther 4:13-14
13 Mordecai sent this reply to Esther: “Don’t think for a moment that because you’re in the palace you will escape when all other Jews are killed. 14 If you keep quiet at a time like this, deliverance and relief for the Jews will arise from some other place, but you and your relatives will die. Who knows if perhaps you were made queen for just such a time as this?”
While I'm completely aware that I am most definitely NOT a queen... (& when I forget I have plenty of people to remind me.. ) I took out the words "made queen" & replaced it with a blank.
Who knows if perhaps you were ____________ for just such a time as this?
I dare you to start thinking about what you could plug into that statement... Warning - whatever you put it in will probably stick with you & have an effect on your life.... It certainly did mine as well as some of the other women in our group. Some of my fill in the blanks were ... "in a certain job", "working for a certain company", "on a certain team", "SINGLE" (of course), "co-leading a group of high school kids to Kenya", "unsettled", "broken", "miserable" and many others.
As I started to really process through this it became clear I wasn't giving God room to really get involved in my life. I was managing my own chaos - juggling tons of different sized balls. I was simply going through the motions of trying to maintain control of my unhappiness - unsettledness. Because after all it's sooooo much easier to live in the miserable known than to start to step out to the total unknown. The unknown is a scary place. It requires letting go of control & a whole heck of a lot of faith. I was miserable but I at least knew how to survive in the misery. I had NO idea how to survive (or if I would) in the unknown.
2010 is the year I was asked to co-lead a group of AMAZING high school students who I had never met before to Ngaamba Kenya in July. We finished up our Esther study before I left in June. A lot had been happening with work... I was soooo ready for a change but I had no idea what that change would be. My colleague was nice enough to quit 48 hours before I got on the plane ~ causing even more chaos :) . Kenya was LIFE CHANGING for me. There will likely be future posts on it... But my heart was changed forever. I started to see how God had been putting some pretty big pieces together starting back in 2002 when I graduated from college. It was honestly the first time I really started thinking backwards to figure out how in the world I ended up in Africa. Seriously - Africa - I am TERRIFIED of snakes... Never really thought I would be there - maybe South Africa but not the National Geographic places...
But there I was on a dusty bus - driving through the most gorgeous place - realizing that God had been pursuing me.... down right chasing me at times... and it took being in Africa to really see Him more clearly - how much He really loved & cared about me. Don't get me wrong - I've always believed in God... the whole reality of sin and the need of a Savior was very real to me... I wasn't questioning my salvation but there are moments of growth that happen along the way & this one was a huge life changer.
I knew that if I was serious about following God's plan for my life - I needed to make some drastic steps to give Him room to work. I quit my job the first day back. (btw - you are NOT suppose to do that after such an intense life experience .. :) I had some real conversations with friends & family for MONTHS & even years before going to Kenya & it just time)
The past 18 months have been amazing. I don't regret one minute of my decision. I only look back to see what God has done & it serves as a reminder to keep giving him more & more room... Please don't get me wrong it has NOT been a walk in the park... tons of challenges, disappointments, hurts along the way but I wouldn't trade them for a second!
So this is the beginning... Yes I'm going back to a foreign country - a new one this time but one that has been on the radar for 5 years or so.. Cambodia... I really hate writing the "letters for support" prayer & financially. I can't just write a cookie cutter letter - it's not me - I want the people that support these trips to know it's SO much more than a trip. It is a piece of my heart that is being pulled more outside of my worldview.... a place where only God can show up & make things happen. I'm totally outside of my comfort zone & in anyway control.
Stay tuned... much more to come...
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