5 years ago yesterday God began moving in some pretty big ways. Even as I sit down to start to write I am completely overwhelmed with where to begin. I don’t think it’s ever possible to really comprehend or see everything God is doing in our lives... there is just too much that we unfortunately miss some of it.
Fortunately there are “pivotal circumstances” that God uses to forever change the trajectory of our lives. I know personally there have been many of these through out my life but today I am remembering July 4, 2008 as being the beginning of changing my course. I finally realized I needed to “Let Go & Let God” and that begins with pursuing HIS will for my life.
July 4, 2008 - I was in a recycled relationship with someone I thought should be “the one” that would lead to marriage and I would pick up, leave Atlanta and start over. All the problems and challenges I was facing here would be gone... easy right. I had no idea when I woke up that morning it would be the beginning of God asking me to let go of my plans & my control but to choose Him & take a step to follow him.
8am I walked to my uncle’s to get my keys from the guy who was in town visiting because I knew Kahlua wasn’t ok. Before I knew it we were sitting in an emergency vet’s office looking at x-rays of Kahlua’s abdomen hearing the words massive tumor, cancer, likely inoperable. My initial reaction was pretty typical Maureen. “They are wrong... there’s no way he has cancer..” Followed by another late night emergency vet visit and a long night of realizing I was about to have to make some hard decisions - on my own.
This was the beginning of God asking me to “LET GO”. So I did. Ended the relationship in the following weeks and began walking through the unknowns of Kahlua’s life. I found myself home alone over Labor Day weekend with Kahlua - reading & finishing “Redeeming Love” by Francine Rivers. It was the first time that I actually felt like God was speaking directly to my heart about insecurities only He knew about - reminding me how He sees me & how He has a plan for my future. I was also reminded that this was the very weekend I could have been in Moldova on a mission trip - one that specifically was looking for “event planners”. At the time of actually applying for the trip however I decided to say no to God. I had felt a tug to go on a mission trip with Buckhead but at the same time I was involved in a relationship... and we were talking about possible marriage & moving. There was no time to go on a mission trip in the fall of 2008 - I had plans that were in the works. Now I was sitting alone that same weekend after walking away from the relationship, watching my dog die and yet God showed up in that moment to remind me he was still there. Waiting for me to take a step towards Him and really put my trust, fears & uncertainties of my life in His hands.
Kahlua passed away later that week. I truly felt alone. Life around me started to move faster & faster .. for everyone else. I felt stuck. In the midst of it all I found myself really digging into God. Questioning, reminding Him of my anger, hurt, fears and in the midst of it all asking Him to heal & restore my heart in a way only He could.
And He did. It felt like it took an eternity at the time. One of the things He brought up pretty quickly was the mission trip. I was again feeling the tension about going on a missions trip. So I made a deal with God. (not recommended... again - heart transformation is an ongoing process...) I would look at the list of trips when it came out but it had to be as black & white as the “Event Planning Mission Trip” that I said no to. November 2008 - the list came out. February 14 - Romania College Ski Camp. BLACK. AND. WHITE. Yet I still procrastinated on the application process. I once heard that God will disrupt your sleep to get your attention. Turns out I now can say that is true. One particular night of restless sleep with the trip on my mind frustrated I got up opened my computer and began the application process. Went back to sleep & finished it the next morning.
Fast forward the next few months... My position at work began changing for the better. Went wedding dress shopping for Anjanette who got engaged & started planning her wedding in Kenya to a guy she just met at the beginning of 2008. Jen & Nate started dating (& I got to experience having a brother involved in my life - thankfully in amazing positive ways). I finally went to visit Carrie in Germany (a trip I kept putting off) for New Years (last minute- booked my ticket 1am flew out at 3pm) And of course capped it off with a new 6 week old puppy (now known as Madigan) 2 weeks before leaving for Romania.
God has used my trip to Romania in so many ways over the last 5 years. Directly from it I met the guy who asked me to co-lead my first trip to Kenya which has forever impacted my heart (see Story of Limah & Brigid . Then getting to go back in 2011 with Anjanette & being given the Ngaamba name - Mutheau “clean”. I also got to meet my friend Joel on the trip to Romania. God has used him in so many ways to impact on my life over the last 5 years including my trip to Cambodia last year. He had been many times and when I realized God was pulling my heart to Cambodia I consulted with him. There are three orphanages that have trips to them. How in the world do you “pick” where God wants you?? I truly believe He gives us choices and this is an example of that. Joel told me about Bantey Meanchey - it was the smaller of the 3 and there have been fewer teams there. My heart was immediately pulled there - but just in case I drew from 3 pieces of paper. (again - heart change is an ongoing process..) The one that came out said "B.M."
I wish I was better about blogging because last year was again such an amazing trip. From the pre planning and Daniel Fast (see my experience here) to being on the ground and just really open to what God had for us that week. I got to share part of my story something I NEVER thought I would do. My teammates were amazing as well. We spent so much of our time together in collective prayer really seeking God’s heart in what He wanted us to do for His glory - not ours. Prayer is something that can quickly become routine or impersonal on a daily basis. But looking back I’m reminded how vital it is to for our hearts. It is the one way God has given us to really develop a deeper relationships with him.
God has been working on my heart a lot the last 5 years. I wish I could say it's been an easy process but the reality is nothing worth having is easy or pain free. Looking back I wouldn't take one moment of the hurt for something easy because that is not how God works.
He's actually promised the opposite:
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33
Romans 8:24-28 have been a huge part of my foundation over the last 5 years. I love when God shows us something that we've heard a thousand times but suddenly it gets planted in our souls.
"24 For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? 25 But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.
26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. 27 And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God. 28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. "
Growing up verse 28 was always a popular one. But not in the context of the whole passage; more in the entitled way. ie "God will only allow good things for me if He really loves me". NOT TRUE. Unfortunately - that makes this a little harder to swallow. It means ALL things are used for GOD'S good not our perception of what is good for us. YIKES. It took me awhile to wrap my heart around that but the reality is I want to want God's best. We have to start somewhere right & patience plays a key role. So often we try to rush to just getting to the end. You can't actually want God's best for your life until you want to want it.
July 4, 2008 was the beginning of my heart change. God doesn't force us to do anything. I had the choice to decide if I was going to continue to live for my plans & how I thought things should be or if I was going to let go and take a step towards God and see what He might have for me.
I am so grateful that 27 year old Maureen took that step. The path isn't perfect but it's a lot easier to get back on track faster now that I've started. There's something about a 5 year mark. I am sitting here in a totally different place in life wondering what 37 year old Maureen will be looking back at right now. I've stepped out and started a company with 2 colleagues & so far it's surpassed anything we would've ever imagined. I've stepped out of a relationship that I desperately was hoping was the right one. One that I know God put in front of me then asked me to let go. I've had the opportunity to go on many trips this year for work (Orlando, San Diego, San Francisco, Chicago, DC, St John) & a quick trip with my mom & Emily(Seattle & Portland). I'm getting to go back to Cambodia again this year with Jen & Joel & Josh. Who knows what else will pop up this year!
One of my favorite songs on repeat right now is "Already There" by Casting Crowns.
"From where You're standing
Lord, You see a grand design
That You imagined
When You breathed me into life
And all the chaos
Comes together in Your hands
Like a masterpiece
Of Your picture perfect plan
When I'm lost in the mystery
To You my future is a memory
One day I'll stand before You
And look back on the life I've lived
I can't wait to enjoy the view
And see how all the pieces fit
'Cause You're already there"
